Growing up in a normal black working-class family, it was just assumed that one day you would grow up, get married, and settle down have some kids. And from my teenage years up until I was thirty I tried my very best to fit into that neat little box of heteronormativity.
As I grew confident into myself and my journey of self-discovery I have been figuring out a few things. I don’t often feel real sexual attraction but when I do it’s always a woman (lesbian grey-asexual). I’m also don’t have a romantic attraction to anyone at all, and most recently I’m non-binary.
I’m basically a rainbow at this point.
The point is that my life is very non-conventional just by being as authentically me as possible. This also extends to me having kids but raising them alongside my parents and now to my partner, Starr. I met Starr ten years ago, back when I was actively reaching out and messaging strangers from my facebook groups in hopes of making friends.
I have actually made some really good friends with this method like one of my best friends Tris. We were all part of a fanfiction/fan facebook group and I reached out to her as part of my effort to make friends with similar interests. I actually succeed and created a group of three or four other friends.
Looking back, I am really surprised how quickly we clicked with each other. It immediately like we have been friends all of our lives. We would have day-long discussions of about everything and nothing. And even when my link to that facebook group and then later the group of friends faded away Starr stuck with me through and through.
We have been through a lot with each other Starr and I. She’s been with me through the birth of my kids, through the death of my grandmother, and all the good and bad things that can happen over the course of ten years and just the same with her.
Around year six or seven of our friendship, I realized that Starr was something special to me. She was important (and this way before I found out that I was aromantic) and quite possibly I might be in love with her. The problem though is that just like me, Starr is aromantic as well. I knew that her feelings couldn’t be returned and I agonized over it and never told her about it.
If this sounds like the plot of some rom-com, you wouldn’t be wrong and it gets worse. I just silently pushed back my own feelings and then later realized no, I wasn’t in love with her but I still loved her very deeply. Starr had become the most important person in my life other than my family. And I even as I grew comfortable with my own grey-asexuality, I even tried online dating. Nothing could compare to the bond I had with Starr, and so I stopped dating all together.
In the last two years or so I realized I was aromantic and that I had no real intention to have a romantic relationship.
Then this last year, I had an epiphany. when I started researching my own feelings about Starr and came across the notion of Queer Platonic Relationships. For those who don’t know, Queer Platonic relationships are platonic relationships that are more than just friends.
The definition can be complex, but for me, it’s like I have a best friend Tris. I love them and I value our relationship with each other. Yet, I love Starr so much it ridiculous, she is the other half of my soul like we get each other on a level that no else does. No one can compare to how much Starr means to me, and that she is the most important person in my life. I want to marry her, I want her to be in my will, I want her to meet my family, her to be in my life until I die.
We are not in love, and we are not sexually attracted to each other.
To people, this is strange because romantic and sexual attraction usually comes hand in hand with all those feels. Yet, for me and Starr, it simply doesn’t. And it’s perfectly okay and healthy. I wanted to talk about this because for a long time I thought something was wrong with me because I didn’t fit in the usual boxes I’m supposed to as an adult. And for a long time, I thought something was wrong with me and there isn’t.
I wrote this post for people who are struggling with having all of these confusing feelings and might suspect that they have a queerplatonic partner in their lives. Again, this is my version of the struggle and it might be different for you.
The moral of this story is to not try to fit in the little boxes society has made for you and just live your best life for you even if it’s not”normal”.
Thank you so much for reading my post? Do you have any questions about asexuality or queerplatonic partners? Please feel free to ask! All ask of you in return is to be respectful and civil.